Module 1- Understanding
Tiffany
Tiffany will be playing the role of the Overt/ Covert Narcissist and Golden child of her family. She’s been your best friend since you can remember. She’s always been a lil abrasive and cutthroat, but the phrase, “That’s just Tiffany...” follows her everywhere she goes like a permanent hall pass.
Tiffany herself though has never been one to receive even gentle criticism well at all. In fact any time you’ve brought to her the fact that she’s hurt your feelings, she becomes extremely upset with you for making her feel like a bad person. So just like every other time before, you feel guilty for expressing your feelings and you go into deep self-analysis (more like dissection) and you finally see where she's coming from. Once again, she's just being truthful and you’re being too sensitive. That's just Tiffany...
And once again, all is well. Back to the way things were. Until the next time she hurts your feelings.
Without completely realizing it, every argument for the last decade and a half has been resolved only when you've taken complete responsibility and apologized for asking to have a real conversation and addressing situations. She'll say she's sorry... but it's always delivered to you in a way that invites you to accept fault.
"I'm sorry you misunderstood what I said..."
"I'm sorry your feelings were hurt, but that's not my fault."
"Sorry I'm not perfect..."
"Look, I'm sorry if that hurts your feelings, but I'm just being honest."
"Wow, sorry? It was a joke..."
The thing is, you're kinda used to solving problems for everyone. You're used to being the understanding friend, so you don't hear much of the context around the word sorry, you only hear it and think, "Ok good, we're reaching an understanding here." without realizing that the understanding the both of you are reaching once again is- you're the problem.
She's your first call whenever anything wonderful is happening or you wanna share your success, but unless she's in a good mood or the good news has anything to do with her and she can somehow take partial credit, she seems to be about as interested as if you were discussing the photosynthesis happening in your house plants.
You often see her eyes glazing over as she nods her head with a painful grin, “Aw wow...that’s so great…” she sighs. Once you finish filling her in on the good news, she’ll either change the subject back to her or “play the devil's advocate” as she loves to say, and she brings up multiple ways this could all go wrong and be invalidated. “I just love you" she says, "aaaand you can tend to be a little…ya know…gullible. But I mean, that is great news! I'm so excited for you!”
You really wanna say, “hey thanks a lot ya wet blanket!” but...maybe she’s right? Maybe she’s just trying to be a good friend and say the things no one else will.
If it’s bad news though, she is an endless well of energy! She'll buy a bottle of wine and cancel all her plans. She'll drive for hours just to hear it. "Tell me more!” she says, “I'm your friend, that's my job. Let me share the burden.” She leans forward nodding as you cry harder divulging more and more insecurities pains and doubts. It feels good to have such unwavering support when you're going through rough times, but there's also a part of you that feels her grinning behind her sympathetic glare.
She seems to almost rejoice is your downfalls the way someone on hard times eye's sparkle with fresh gossip, with the relieving news that someone else has it worse than them.
But then again, she's always there for you. Always. That's what makes a good friend, right?
There is another thing that bothers you though, and it's had you feeling slightly paranoid quite often.
When you see mutual friends after they’ve hung out with Tiffany, there's always this feeling like there’s an elephant in the room. Something’s off. Something's changed. Sometimes they even seem short with you. You’ve often broke down and asked if something's wrong or if they’re upset with you about something, but they assure you with sharp a cold tone, "No. Everything's fine. What would be wrong?"
Ok then...
Whenever you've tried to get to the bottom of something and asked if by any chance Tiffany has been doing her regular gossiping like everyone's used to, it gets thrown back at you.
“Look! That's between you and her. She's never been anything but nice to me...If you have a problem with Tiffany, that's between you two. What's your problem with her anyway? I feel like you're always paranoid about her...”
Now suddenly you feel like the one trying to start trouble when all you wanted to do was clarify what it is you're feeling. It's a mess! You know you can't be crazy to ask if anything is wrong as friends sit across from you scowling and barely making conversation... but, is it really just you?
Or are you forcing yourself to hold onto the possibilities in someone you love and not accept the present reality they're choosing? Woof. I know.
The thing is, you know her better than anyone. She puts on a good show, but you know Tiffany's not really all that friendly or compassionate. She's strategic. She's even said herself multiple times things like, "I'm not a nice person." "So what, I lie. Everyone does." It's not a mystery. You know this about her. But you've been friends with her for so long that all her rough edges and harsh tones have become kinda endearing, after all, it is what makes Tiffany, Tiffany. In fact it's made you feel even more responsible for forgiving her faults because obviously of anyone, you know she could use a lot more love.
But even after all the times she's admitted to you that she's quite a selfish person, you can't imagine someone really spending that much time and effort creating webs of gossip and lies just to entertain themselves. Nobody could really be that selfish... right? But the awkward silences and unexplained arguments tend to be found in her orbit constantly. Everyone goes to her and confides in her because somehow, she always has the inside scoop on everything, but has never once been named the person it all started with. Nope. She's done far too many favors and bought herself immunity! So instead of questioning her motives, people defend her and lash out at you for even questioning her motives. Tiffany is surrounded by enablers at all times.
The thing is, it makes them uncomfortable to even think for a second that they could've been played for a fool as well. That the times they were vulnerable and open with Tiffany she may have in fact had ulterior motives with them. She may have in fact been using them as her current bullseye for a fresh game of darts. It's a lot safer for them to say to you and themselves, "Nope. It's just you. She'd never do that to me. It must be something you've done."
None of us wanna hear that the worst things said about us could possibly be coming from people we love and trust. None of us. That's a painful pill to swallow. This is why your mutual friends often become furious with you the second you even question their friend's motives. They will defend her to the death, when in fact, what they're really defending is the safety in their perceived reality. So in trying to get to the bottom of things, you become the messenger, who unfortunately, is often the one who gets shot at.
You're in a constant cycle of fact checking and forgiving. Feeling hurt and then finding resolution by naming new faults within yourself. You find yourself at times feeling sorry for Tiffany because you know she isn't able to form real vulnerable connections, but somehow you also find yourself seeking her approval. Looking for reassurance that she's a true friend. You listen to her time and time again as she tells you she has your back no matter how many people think you're absolutely nuts, no matter what so and so said about you last night, she'll always stick up for you.
She's good at filling you in on how much others doubt you, and without you even realizing it, it forms a bond between the two of you where you're unsure where your self-worth lies until Tiffany fills you in on the most recent census she's taken from the community. She has a way of reminding you she's the friend you can always trust, because just so you know, everyone else kinda hates you.
As you question the foundation of your friendship, you always thought two of you were so alike, but now you're connecting dots and you see more and more how she really just adopted your identity in many ways. Criticizing your new endeavors and critiquing your style and beliefs, while picking them up and announcing them as her own weeks or even days later! Everything about you became us. Especially the wins. Even when it comes to romantic partners, she's always quick to judge and find fault in your significant others, but she's constantly flirted with them and talked down to you whenever they were around.
What you might've known but weren't ready to accept about Tiffany is that she doesn't know how to have connection without strategy. She doesn't know how to witness someone else's happiness without seeing it as robbing her own.
Tiffany was the oldest and chosen Golden Child of her family. Her mother lived vicariously through her. Feeling unseen and stifled in her own marriage, she created Tiffany's idealized image and before Tiffany even had a chance to build her own identity, she already had a perfected persona to live up to everyday.
Tiffany's father Marcus, also unhappy in the marriage, would pit the children against one another to make it appear to his wife that his approval was the most sought after. Rather than learning to communicate clearly and have honest conversations with his own wife, Marcus sent messages to his spouse by way of slandering her in front of their children.
Tiffany learned she not only had to constantly keep a one up on her younger brother to remain the pride of the family, but that safety and acceptance means you wanna be the one on the inside of the gossip, not the subject!
She learned how to perfectly copy and emulate anyone who appeared to be doing better than her, receiving more attention than her, or even seemed to just be happier than her. She learned to see these things as a threat to her role she had to live up to in order to be loved and accepted by her own family.
As much as Tiffany strived to maintain the Golden Child image, she was emotionally exhausted and enraged with the feeling that she's never had the chance to be seen or loved by simply being herself. She felt she had to fight tooth and nail to earn her place. As badly as she wanted to connect and be vulnerable with others, she didn't see how that was possible without admitting defeat, naming herself a failure, and accepting the inevitable abandonment that would follow... so the vulnerability and authenticity never came.
We'll revisit Tiffany in module 3.