Gabi The Overt Narcissist

Gabi

Gabi will be playing the role of romantic partner and Overt Narcissist. She is a bit older than you, has a great apartment downtown, a successful career, and is quite inspiring to you. She fearlessly and unapologetically came out as a lesbian three years ago and has since taken you under her wing. You met her online a couple weeks ago while looking for more women you could speak to in your area. You felt relieved finding someone safe to connect with. Safe to discuss so many of the same things you've been feeling. You've yet to come out to your parents, some of your friends know, but you're still taking it slow. This is a big step. It's just important right now to find a safe community and friends for you to be comfortable in, to learn more about yourself.

Gabi seems to be doing it all on her own and she's showing you the ropes. She hopes better for you because her parents never supported her coming out and in fact begged her to hide it since the night she told them.

"I'm their precious little darling, the face of the family. Well fuck that! I don't need their dream! Their white picket fence and rose garden! Fuck all that,” she says.

There's fire in her voice with every statement, it's easy to get swept into her righteous anger, and she's managed to blaze quite a path for herself. It takes no guessing to see she's unstoppable and exhaustingly passionate about her success. This is exactly the kinda example and support you need right now. Someone who not only took a hit and kept going but seems to be thriving in their self-love and acceptance! Gabi's personality is intense and highspeed. She even talks in high-speed. Her eyes widening and head nodding faster with every sentence, and you're quickly pulled into her world.

You finally belong.

Without even realizing it, the majority of your days belong to Gabi now, and you don't mind in the slightest, because the two of you have fallen madly in love and it feels like for the first time in your life it's happening! You've found your soulmate! You've found your place! You don't wanna rush things, but she was the first one to say,

"I've been waiting for someone like you all my life. No one else has ever understood me like you do. I've never felt like this with anyone else. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel like our souls are meant to be together!"

It's a little disorienting, all encompassing, and intoxicating! You've heard people describe falling in love as being swept off your feet, and now you get it. Now you understand. Nothing else really matters but this connection. Your own parents have never accepted you as you are and it feels like you're really falling in love for the first time.

Now, business savvy Gabi has not only helped you find your identity, but she wants to help you get started in the business world and leave your job at the sandwich shop. The job where all your friends work that's always felt like a second home to you.

"Ok- " she says, "No offense, but you work at a sandwich shop. I'm a paralegal. I need you to get on my level ok?" She says this laughing, but it still stings a little bit. "So look, there's an entry level position opening up in another office that shares our building, and I meaaaan, you and I both know how awkward you act around new people, so let me help you out ok. I'll talk to ‘em and guaranteed you'll have the job! So you just go ahead and put in your two weeks notice-"

Her voice gets fuzzy as your forehead wrinkles and you have an internal conference call with yourself-

... awkward around new people? Wait, hold on, how have you been awkward? She's never seen you interview for a job position... how would she even...Well, I mean yes, she's introduced you to her friends but... Wait. Were you being awkward all this time? Have all her friends just been humoring you? You thought you were actually really good with people... Your boss at the sandwich shop always complimented you on your interaction with customers and your personable personality.

But you don't have time to ask Gabi any of these questions you're asking yourself because she's already moved on to the dress code for your new job you're about to start.

"Ok, you can borrow some of my slacks and pencil skirts. No more of those dingy polos and khakis ok? Now you can actually dress like an adult and get rid of those rancid tennis shoes. You're just too good for that place and I will not watch you work there anymore. I just can't honey. I love you too much."

It's often hard to tell if she's criticizing you or trying to help you.

You feel deflated from acknowledging your obvious failure, but she's smiling sweetly and just finished saying she loves you. What if she's just the only person that's actually ever bothered to be honest with you? She actually cares that you do well. I mean, we all have room for improvement and sometimes it stings but...that's just how she is. She tells it like it is and I mean that's something you love about her so you swallow the tough pills of critique and tell yourself she wouldn't say it if it wasn't beneficial.

Right?

You promised your friends at your old job you'd stay in touch, but after one month at the office you realize you haven't spoke to them since you left. You haven't spoken with any of your old friends actually. You've thought about inviting them over for a weekend or grabbing dinner, but Gabi's always got a fundraiser or a protest lined up for you guys to attend on your days off. Since you two work in the same building now you've been carpooling to work so ya haven't had an opportunity to just swing by and say hey to anyone at the sandwich shop.

Jason, a coworker and close friend from your old job texts you checking in. He says everyone misses you and wonders how you're doing, and he invites you and Gabi out to see his band the following weekend.

Things with Gabi have been so great, but you've really missed your friends. Gabi's made the plans for every moment of free time and introduced you to her friends and you realize the concert would be a great way for her to meet everyone!

You barely finish telling her about the text inviting you to come out, and she shakes her head in disgust and begins crying.

"See?" she sniffles, "this is how it always happens. I finally find happiness. I finally feel safe and loved by someone, and then their friends get jealous and have to cause problems. Uh uh! I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude about your little friend, but this is why I don't settle for people who aren't committed to being their best selves. I don't have time for that drama and bullshit ya know? My parents have never accepted me for who I am and would sooner I have emancipated myself at fifteen. I became a better person because of it and I'm not looking back! So ya know what," she says choking back more and more tears now standing up from the couch, "If you wanna leave that's fine. If you wanna stay here in this tiny little apartment? Fine! But I won't get my heart broken again and I won't settle! I won't do it! I'd never ask you to choose between your friends and me! Ever! I would never do that to you! That's not who I am! But I will not allow people like that in my life. So if you wanna believe these little toxic lies he's trying to manipulate you with, fine. If you wanna go meet up with Jason and all your little friends and let them tell you all the reasons we shouldn't be together and let them make decisions for you? Fine. It's not like I haven't been abandoned before! You wouldn't be the first!"

By this point Gabi is almost hysterical. Sobbing and pacing the floor.

You have never seen her like this and it's unsettling and completely unexpected. You just wanted to share the text and invite her out. That was all.

How did that turn into this?

How did a friend's text saying they missed you and wanted to see you, suddenly turn into her sob story? That was not at all why you brought it up or what you meant by it and now you feel awful that she saw it as you presenting an ultimatum. As a threat.

You push your own feelings and excitement to see you friends aside and begin assuring her over and over you'd never abandon her like that! You had no idea she'd been hurt like that so many times. You feel even closer and protective of her now by seeing the vulnerable side of her.

Now you see why she needs that tough exterior all the time, and suddenly every rude statement and prickly feeling you've gotten from her is forgiven. Now you see why she has to do it, and none of it matters. She really trusts you to see this side of her, and you're not gonna let her down. Not like everyone else has.

Gabi suggests she'd feel safer being vulnerable with you if you got a place together, and she's actually found a great place she was gonna show you that weekend. You agree that night to see it and put a deposit in on an apartment for the both of you the next day.

Things get back to normal and the next two weeks go by quickly as you start packing up your apartment. You're excited that you found someone to sublet your place! Everything seems to be working out perfectly! You took the day off of work to go check out the new apartment and buy a couple new rugs and a waffle maker to surprise Gabi who should be out of work any minute now! Then you get a text from her saying she's gonna go grab a beer with her coworker Toby. She says she needs to blow off some steam and clear her head so she tells you not to worry about making dinner, she's just gonna grab a bite with him.

"Ok no problem," you say, "Is everything alright?"

"To be completely honest?" she says, "No. I'm still rattled from our conversation the other night. This is just a lot for me ok- I need some space."

Huh?

Everything had seemed fine after you'd talked. So fine you decided on the apartment you'd get together that night. All you brought up that night was the text from Jason...that was it! You thought you'd made it clear that you weren't bringing anything up as a deal breaker or an ultimatum. She'd even made sure you put in the deposit for the new apartment the following day. Now you're starting to feel sick.

"What kinda space?" you ask.

"I just need some time ok," she says, "I feel like I'm rushing into something and I don't feel safe. I don't feel sure that you're as committed to this as I am, and I won't have my heart broken again. I won't."

Wait, but, hold on. How could she think you're not committed!? You're the one that put your entire savings toward the deposit for the new apartment when she cried because her ex ruined her credit years ago and it still hasn't recovered. Where is this coming from!? She needs space!? She's been staying at your apartment every night since the first week you two started dating! In fact you've never even seen her place. All her clothes are in your closet. Half your dresser belongs to her now. What suddenly changed in the last week!? She's the one that said you two should get a place together!

You have so many questions but you can hear Toby's voice cutting in asking what she wants to order. She's already made it clear that her friends haven't gotten the best impression of you so you don't wanna make matters worse. You tell her to just call you later so the two of you can actually talk about this.

Then at 11pm, sick to your stomach for hours on end, the text messages start pouring in.

She's gonna stay at Toby's house tonight so she can just talk through some things with him. She says this has all just been too much on her and she doesn't think moving in together is the best idea anymore. In fact, she doesn't even know if being a lesbian is who she is anymore. She's going through an entire existential crisis through texts and won't answer the phone when you call saying she just can't talk right now.

So wait, should you be worried that she's staying the night at Toby's!? Is she attracted to Toby!? Is that what brought all this about!? Where did that come from!? Wait what in the fuck is happening!?

You don't get a minute of sleep as the text messages keep flooding in one after another.

"You should probably see if you can get your deposit back for the apartment." she says, "I don't think this is gonna work out. I don't feel safe. I don't think you really want this like I do. I need to take time for myself, find out what I really need and deserve."

To say you feel blindsided is the understatement of the century.

Not only did you wipe out your entire savings so you could start a future with Gabi, a future planned by Gabi! But now you have to find a way to explain to the woman taking over your lease that you'll no longer be moving and she has nowhere to go! Within less than twenty-four hours, not only has the rug been ripped out from under you, but now you're letting people down that you made promises to and that's not like you at all!

Days pass and you're trying to give her space, hoping she'll change her mind before the week's end, but it's obvious she's in no hurry. You wish she'd at least tell you if you should keep the apartment for the two of you so you can plan accordingly. It makes you sick pulling up to the office building every morning and seeing her car there. Knowing she works just two floors above you but she's not gonna answer your calls.

Finally, by week's end, with insomnia and nausea that's kept you from eating for days, you decide to just try and talk to her face to face. You're heartbroken and confused but right now you really have to find out if you should tell your landlord you're no longer moving and pray he and the other tenant are understanding so you still have somewhere to live yourself.

You make it to the reception desk of the upstairs office and the receptionist greets you as if she recognizes you. When you ask to speak with Gabi she kinda winces, lets out a sigh and says, "Um, she's very busy, but I can give her a message if you'd like." The whole thing feels strange. As if Gabi's hiding under the reception desk that very minute. You just say no and tell her you'll try again later, but of course, she's always too busy. Too busy to come pick up her clothes. Too busy to just give you a simple yes or no.

Another week goes by and you've never been so panicked. Trying to get one deposit back and offering it to the woman you'd promised your apartment to. She was nice enough to let you stay even after already signing the paperwork with your landlord. Now you're trying to help her find another place and offering to cover her deposit while you barely have any left to cover your own rent.

Finally, you get your living situation settled and Gabi pops up. She sends you a text saying she misses you and would like to talk about things.

"I need to pick up my clothes anyway," she says, "Would you mind bagging them up and just bringing them by Toby's tomorrow?"

"You want me to bring em to Toby's?" you say, "Sure. Are you living at Toby's now? Why aren't you staying at your own apartment?"

"I just don't need to be alone right now," she says, insinuating the prior suicide attempts she's told you about numerous times "and plus I do his laundry and take care of the dogs when he has band practice or gigs-" She says this kind of laughing, lightening the conversation, and it almost makes you agree and side with her that oh yes! She's so right! It does make sense for her to live with Toby.

Band practice? Gigs? Toby kinda sounds like your friend Jason who she was not a fan of before ever even meeting him. That's kinda ironic.

You're also thinking- Does Gabi ever stay at her own apartment? Why is she paying so much money for an expensive place downtown that she never even pees in?

You bag up all of her clothes and meet her at Toby's the following evening. Toby greets you politely and then quietly stands in the background as if Gabi is in need of moral support. You sit down feeling confused about what you just walked into and Gabi begins crying.

"I just feel like I lost myself. We've been together for what? Barely 3 months? I mean I never even sleep in my own bed. We have all the same friends now. We work in the same office building! We share clothes! It's like...I don't even know who me is anymore. I can't live like this, I can't just give up my life to be in a relationship where I don't feel like my life is my own."

What...?

She continues on and on as if she's been practicing this monologue for months,

"You know how badly I've been hurt. You know how much I give my heart away," she says, "I still haven't fully recovered from my last breakup, mentally or financially. I've told you that! I trusted you, and I don't appreciate you texting me nonstop and showing up at my place of work when I've clearly stated that I need space for my mental health. For my own wellbeing. That's the least you can do for me. Me and Toby are trying to build a healthy relationship now and I need you to respect that and let me move on."

She raises her eyes to meet yours, to see how you react to that last grenade she threw right in at the very end. Even though she's still whimpering, you catch the tiniest glimpse of what looks like satisfaction and a smile flashing across her face.

Something in you explodes. A relationship? Wait, what!?

It feels like you're being pummeled by 12ft waves, one after another, and you can't even make it up for air before being slammed again. You can feel your mouth hanging open in disbelief and your forehead wrinkles in confusion as Toby looks on with his arms folded like her faithful bodyguard ready to step in at any moment.

Who the fuck is he protecting her from? You?! What exactly has she told him about you? That you're prone to violent outbursts!? That you've been aggressively stalking her!?

Are you just completely nuts?

Is she nuts?

What is she even talking about? She's been calling the shots since day one! The shoes you're wearing at this very moment, were picked out by her! Wait. Does she even remember why you've been texting and trying to contact her? You were about to move in together! What the hell happened? Where is this even coming from!? Are you living in two separate realities!?

Gabi is the epitome of, "take no shit." She has never let anyone else tell her who to be or how to live and she makes sure everyone around her knows that. So who the hell is this whimpering woman sitting across from you? And why do you feel like an abusive partner who's about to be threatened with a restraining order?

Gabi is phenomenal at what she does. She makes the world sing, "I'll prove it to you Gabi!" But it's never enough. So she creates situations in which people prove their loyalty and pour out their emotions at high volume over and over...and over.

So here's what you may have felt all along, but didn't know about Gabi-

Gabi grew up in what some might consider the perfect household. She had two successful supportive parents, a beautiful home with a dog, a picket fence, an inground pool with weekend barbeques, the whole nine yards. Her parents are both Methodist, but only ever went to church on special occasions such as Easter or Christmas Eve. They never pushed any beliefs of any kind on her. Both of them being professors at the local university, they approached parenting from a very liberal and hands-off stance. Nothing ever really bothered them there was never a raised voice or passionate argument in their household at all. It was always just...fine.  In her teen years Gabi would act out just like any other teenager, and her friends were always so jealous because no matter what it was, she never got in trouble. Her parents never got upset. They'd simply honor her expression of growth through her teens and tell her they supported her, and that was it.

Years later when Gabi came out to them, it was the same thing, barely a reaction just, "Ok." Everything was always just, ok. But it wasn't just anger or discipline that was non-existent in their home. It was any kind of strong feelings at all. There was no loud laughter, no shouts of "I love you!" or silly songs and dances. Everything was just, fine. Still. Flat.

The deafening silence seemed to crawl under Gabi's skin until it began to erupt in fits, pushing boundaries begging for a reaction, but it was always the same. Her parents would smile, nod, and say, "We support you in whatever you do Gabi."

So Gabi began creating a different world for herself. Many worlds in fact. Worlds with drama and noise and lots of passion and uproar! She was a highly intelligent student and always did well in school, so excelling in business was no surprise, but it wasn't enough. She needed people to take notice of her, to do more than smile and say, "That's great honey."  She needed people to prove it. To worship her. She needed to dismantle life at every turn and show herself she could shake things up and cause a fuss! And that's exactly what she does. She tries on new identities, takes up new causes and joins new communities the moment things begin to feel solid and stable. Someone with a calm and cool collected demeanor is a new project for her. She wants to see just how much passion rage and fire she can pull out of them, how much of their world she can turn upside down and shake out of their pockets, and then it's on to the next.  She plays her alternate identities and realities so well you'd almost believe they were real, but the older she gets the more stories she has to juggle and the more lines she begins to forget.

We'll revisit Gabi later in Module 3 and discuss why finding a new master, can feel like finding a new soulmate.