Signing Out!

Signing Out!

The Narcissist is the embodiment of distortion and unhealed wounds living from fear. They are the wounded child that did not grow. Many of us have recognized that child in them and spent years and years trying to listen and understand them in hopes that they’ll eventually feel safe to finally grow up and stop attacking others. But this is all they know. I picture them as people out at sea who never learned how to swim, so they keep their heads above water by pushing the person closet to them under.

We've tried to bring love and safety to ourselves by healing and eliminating the need in others to hurt us. But that’s like trying to talk someone who can’t swim into kindly letting go of their life raft. To them, we’re abandoning them in the worst way possible. To someone who believes they’re about to drown? They see nothing else except their own victimhood and absolute betrayal. They’re never going to recognize or acknowledge that you’ve held your breath for ten or twenty years hoping they’d at least learn to doggy paddle. All they see is that you’re leaving them to die.

That may sound dramatic? But I bet you’ve dealt with someone whose had that level of reaction…if not more.

When we finally surrender and give up the fight to change their minds, peace and resolve move in so quickly it can be surprising. We no longer have to hold our breath and try to keep someone else afloat while turning blue ourselves. Giving up the fight to change others will free us to finally integrate compassion, peace and healing into our own world without anyone's permission. We can finally use our energy to create rather than combat. 

This is where our boundaries are more easily enforced and self-love and respect comes naturally. Where we no longer take responsibility for the healing of others, because we now understand that their pain is their opportunity for growth and expansion, and we don't wish to rob anyone of experiencing those transformations.

This is where you can now make decisions of who will remain in your life, and who will not. The right people for you become clearer, and the ones who will only ever drain and attack you will become unavoidably obvious.

When it comes to the subject of going no contact, levels of contact and just putting space between yourself and someone else? That’s up to you. Bring the person in question to mind and simply ask your body to let you know how you feel. Practice paying attention to your own barometer. If you do decide someone needs to get cut from the team? You can write a formal goodbye, or simply stop answering their calls. Contrary to certain present beliefs, you don’t owe everyone an explanation. In fact in these situations unfortunately, that just opens the door to more psychological abuse and guilt tripping.

They know.

They may pout and say they’ve been blindsided? But they know.

Anyone I’ve cut out of my life, I’d been clocking patterns for a looooong time before I made a decision. I’d already attempted multiple conversations, and they’d already shown me where they were incapable of going. So by the time I was ready to say enough is enough? I could be sure I’d done my part.

Know that when you address the narcissist as they are, not who they wish you to see, you are addressing the wounded child and unveiling their deepest pain, and they will very likely react like a cornered wounded animal. They are liable to attack and snap without any hesitation or warning. There is no need to diagnose or categorize someone's psychological and emotional state in order to predict what they're capable of anymore than we can predict the actions of a wild animal. 

If you feel that you’re in danger? Trust yourself. Do what you need to do to feel safe.
The levels of threat to our personal safety between dealing with a sociopath, psychopath, narcissist or malignant narcissist are like any other box- human beings do not generally fit in them, so I take any diagnosis with a large grain of salt. Your gut still knows best. 

The truth is, prolonged and internalized suffering and abuse can breed insanity and it's important that you trust yourself even when others and even yourself may believe you’re overreacting. Your safety and wellbeing are priority.

You don’t stop thinking you’re crazy overnight. I want you to remember that.

The more time and distance you get between you and someone that’s been using you for target practice? The more epiphanies you’ll begin to have about the truth of conversations, instances, that person, and yourself.

You’ll be in the middle of cooking scrambled eggs and suddenly they’ll ping in your brain like egg timers going off.

You may even find yourself saying things aloud like, “Oh my God… how did I not put that together!?” or “That little fucker- I can’t believe I apologized for that…”

It’s important to have people in your life to share these epiphanies with, so you can not only invite more humor into the situation, but also to register in the brain that this is important information that needs to be saved for future reference! You’ve been talked out of trusting yourself for a long time. This is your time to build a safety net.

When we share our thoughts, emotions , and experiences with others it compounds the pathways in the brain surrounding that experience! It becomes solidified rather than a fleeting thought we don’t give much credit to. This is how you learn to trust your own voice, your own intuition, and your own wisdom again!

So whether it’s through Spiritual Counseling with me, a trusted friend, a licensed mental health professional, your spouse, or your favorite barista! It’s vital that you share and recognize these new pathways of knowledge and insight being born in you as you continue to heal. This creates a safety net beneath you for the bad days or times when someone tries to swoop back in and guilt or love bomb you.

You’re taking a leap and rebuilding your trust in yourself and your experience! So make sure you find support from someone who gets it, who knows the road you’re on and doesn’t need you to explain. I say this because half the healing is seeing someone on the other side of the bridge that you’re presently crawling across. If they can do it, so can you.