Raj The Spiritual Narcissist

Raj

Raj will be playing the role of the Spiritual Narcissist. The all-knowing, all-seeing, all-feeling and one love livin' Raj. He's an internationally renowned Healer and Teacher who claims to be more of a feminist than Hillary Clinton's lesbian lover and seems to be quite the hot topic around town when it comes to following the spiritual path.

Raj has been offering his private services and weekend classes for years now. Recently after a bad break up, you've been doing a lot of self-care and attending regular meditation and energy exchange meetups, and at this evening's class, you see a flyer for Raj's workshop which is called Make the Connection- Opening to Vulnerability and Deep Love. As you're reading over the flyer a woman in class comes up to you and starts raving about his services.

"Oh he's just incredible!" she says, "I'll be at the class! I work with him privately and he's been helping me remove blocks to my feminine power and lemme tell you, WOW!"

Sounds like this could be exactly what you need! So you email him as soon as you get back home and reserve your spot in the class for next weekend. You decide to snoop a little and see where he's taught and what kind of background he has.

There's incredible photos of him taking groups to India and Bali! In one shot he's wearing a full head dress and standing in the middle of a medicine circle with his arms raised as the group encircles him.  Then in another, he's basked in sunlight and sitting cross legged at Machu Pichu. As you read through his bio on the website, you're getting both excited about the class, and a little intimidated. Are you ready for this? Do you feel like you even have the credentials to attend this class? (Naaah you're just kidding! Kind of...)

The class is broken up into three days running from Friday evening to Sunday afteroon, so your weekend is cleared out for total information and healing energy consumption! You arrive early Friday and take a space at the back of the class. It's obvious from the get-go that a large amount of the group already knows Raj and has taken classes from him before as they surround him laughing and catching up. You get out your paper and pencil. Place your water bottle within comfortable reach and get situated on your cushion as everyone settles in. There's only one man that has attended the class and he took a spot in the back just like you did. He seems a little shy and you're kinda glad you're not the only one a little nervous about what's to come this weekend.

"Welcome beautiful beings," Raj says as he takes a seat at the front and bows to the class, "I am honored and humbled to be in the presence of your light and magnificent power."

Oh well, thank you sir! The pleasure's all mine! You can feel your cheeks beam a little being grouped in with such a lovely compliment.

"My name is Raj, as you may know, and I humbly embody all that is masculine, and on behalf of all men, (he gives a slight nod and wink to the only other male in the class) I apologize to you, our women, for objectifying you, for bringing you such pain, and for not seeing you as you truly are. Celebrating you in all your power and beauty. I am humbly called to this work for you."

Now he's really got the classes attention. You feel every woman leaning forward, hearing an apology they've waited to hear for a looong time as if to say, "Go on...I'm listening..."

"You see, I used to be one of those men that just dated women with one thing in mind. I thought I had nothing to learn from you. That was the old me. I don't even know that man anymore. That was me before I was awakened. Before I accepted my calling as a healer. I had to be humbled. I had to be broken down. I had to lose everything. I want to thank you for coming to me today, trusting me with your deepest wounds. Brother," he says acknowledging the man in the back, "I hope you will accept my humble gratitude for joining me today to change the story we as men have carried for so long. It's time for us to lay down that heavy burden. Look at these incredible women around us. Just look at them. How did we get so lucky to bring about this work right?"  

The class joins in his laughter and the shy man in the back kinda nods and laughs to himself, not real sure what he's agreeing to exactly or what he's about to participate in.

You feel the women around you sitting a little taller. Smiling to themselves in this acknowledgement of their power and how right they've been all along and how wrong men are and it's about time they admitted it.

Man that takes a lot for him to sit in this class surrounded by women and admit all that right off the bat...

Part of you is also whispering though, "Wow, he is layin' it on THICK..."

"But that's not fair," you tell yourself, "to immediately assume that he has ulterior motives behind his words. I mean obviously he's devoted his life to helping people, women in particular, putting himself in the line of fire for the sake of living his calling. Who would put in all that work just to scam people? Nobody right? This is what I'm here to work on," you tell yourself, "to regain my trust in people. To stop being afraid of connection and vulnerability. So I need to put my judgements aside for the weekend."

You've been taking notes and listening intently throughout the first half of the class and as he announces it's time to break for lunch he makes eye contact with you and heads in your direction. Your stomach drops.

"It's always nice to see new faces in my classes!" he says, and bows to you slowly, "I'm honored to share this moment in time and space with you- " he pauses waiting for your name as you spit it out and give a little bow back.

"May I make an observation?" he says. His voice at the level of a soft hum, "I can feel your life essence so strong. Do you realize just how powerful you are? You hold incredible feminine energy but I see you're quite afraid of it."

"Uhhh..." you kinda mumble, "I mean I guess, I guess not exactly?"

"You came to this class by no mistake," he smiles, "your guides have led you here to open what has been closed for too long and I am honored and humbled to assist you in this time of great awakening." Again he bows to you and says, "I'd be honored if you'd help me lead the class through a demonstration after lunch."

"Uhh sure!" you say, and he smiles at you with an intensity in his eyes that makes you feel unhinged. Your stomach sinks again. It's as if for a second his expression became stuck. As if he froze his eyes on yours waiting for you to acknowledge something. He's smiling, but the energy feels sharp, intense, intrusive.

But, aren't spiritual masters supposed to feel otherworldly? Eccentric? Maybe that's what it is...

"This guy just must be on another level," you think to yourself.

As the class settles back in on their mats and cushions, Raj motions for you to come join him at the front of the room. You sit next to him and he explains to the class that the two of you will be demonstrating an energetic connection gazing into one another eyes, making the soul connection. Moving past silly separations and judgements we hold as human beings and meeting on the soul level.

He turns to face you and you do the same, "This shouldn't be too difficult," you think, but as you stare right back at him, you can't help but feel that sharp intrusive energy in your eyes and gut again. As if something is trying to push through you. You can feel your eyes try to wander away in defense, but you do your best to keep them locked. Now you feel yourself disconnecting from your body.

"What are you so afraid of, " Raj abruptly barks, not at all sounding like his soft hums of gratitude just twenty minutes ago.

"I, I don't know," you say. "I guess it's hard for me to concentrate."

"What is it you don't want me to see? What are you so ashamed of?" he barks again. Not blinking or breaking his stare for a second.

Now you're really starting the internal dig... Afraid of? Ashamed? Wow...I uh... I'm not sure. Is it that painfully obvious?

"Meet me here," he says, "Receive me. There's no need to be afraid of being seen."

Why do you wanna run and cry right now? You kinda really dislike Raj right now. Ya kinda wanna tell him to stop looking at you and to leave you alone! Wait... does that mean this is working? Is that what's supposed to happen? Is this what you're supposed to be working through? You didn't realize you were so shut down from other human beings. Is this how disconnected you are? Can everyone see how much shame and judgement you carry except for you!? Oh my gosh... You had no idea.

You begin sobbing and shaking as the class watches in awe, witnessing what they believe to be a true break through. But for you, it's very much a breakdown.

"Receive my gaze," he says again, but now softer and back in his low hum, "You've got to let me in. This is what I'm here to do, but you have to let me in."

After another sixty seconds of you crying, he finally breaks his gaze and pats your arm. "I see we have a lot of work cut out for us," he says with the slightest sound of frustration under his melodic tone.

He instructs everyone in the class to pair up and go through the same practice, making a soul connection with their partner. After everyone pairs up and the room becomes quiet with concentration, Raj gets up and motions for you to join him in the hallway to speak in private.

He wraps his arm gently around your shoulders, "How can I be of service to you? What can I do to help you trust me?"

Your brain says he's being overly sweet and accommodating, but that tiny whisper in you thinks that this feels just like when that guy in middle school put his arm around you in the back of the movie theater trying to talk you into making out with him. Now you're having an internal argument with yourself. Is this actually what you came to fix? The discomfort you feel? This fear?

You're really not sure what he could do for you because you don't even feel yourself blocking him out, it's just, happening. You begin crying again feeling like you're more broken than you thought, and now you're letting down your teacher.

"You've got to let me in," he says again, now rubbing your back softly.

You rejoin the class and you take a seat with the front row as he gives you a secret smile.

You didn't come to this class to be a case study, but you also know how much you've heard other people rave about Raj and his incredible work and you don't wanna waste this opportunity. My gosh you've never felt so ripped open and aware of your shame and judgement. You knew you had some self-esteem issues to work on, but now, only halfway through the first day, you're feeling more broken than you did before you came in. But you know this must be what you've been missing. You've been asking for these magic synchronicities. For the people that will heal you to be shown to you, and then you saw Raj's flyer. How could you let your spirit guides and ancestors down by being in fear? This is a huge opportunity, and in that moment, you tell yourself that no matter what red flags you feel, no matter what discomfort comes up, you're gonna silence it. It's just old crap trying to keep you from your power. You're gonna push past it and stop being so afraid.

Time to take a back seat and let Raj take the wheel!

When everyone gets situated Saturday morning, you notice the shy guy in the back didn't show up, and. you know the payments for the weekend are nonrefundable!

Raj asks the class to join him, "Let's send our brother love, light, and gratitude for the time he spent with us. Not everyone is ready for this kind of work and we honor him and hold space for him when he is ready to step up."

This kinda brings an energy of pride into the room. Everyone feels like they can give themselves a little pat on the back for showing up and continuing the work where others have been stuck to their old stories of fear and limitation.

Nothing reminds you of being in grade school like once again taking classes as an adult. That child that just wants to make the teacher proud and get a star by their name never fully goes away. We all still like to get a pat on the back and be told we're doing a good job.

Raj plays into that spectacularly. Showering praise on the women in the class for their perseverance while simultaneously calling the absent man out for obviously being a weaker and a lesser man than himself. Now everyone in the class feels like gold star students for sure.

Saturday really ramps up as he shares with the class that you'll be working with the Kundalini energy. Tapping into the power of the root chakra and harnessing your energy. He leads the class through a warm-up and you feel the discomfort rising. Something in you is whispering, "Wait wait wait where is he goin' with this?" He then instructs the class to sit in lotus position and focus their energy on the root chakra until they feel the heat building. He asks that everyone place a hand over their diaphragm and one over their heart. It doesn't feel like love and light in the room anymore though. It feels overwhelmingly sexual even though nothing out of the ordinary is really happening.

"What's wrong with me?" you think, "Why would I take it there immediately?" and as if reading your mind, Raj announces to the class, "Now remember, we're just bringing attention to this area and building energy, this isn't about to become an impromptu orgy! Come on get your minds outta the gutter!" The class erupts in laughter ...a kinda uncomfortable and relieved laughter.

This becomes the theme for the entirety of the class. How our power as women has always been turned into this sexual thing and it's time for us to allow men to assist us in tapping into our power without it being a sexual exchange. Not many men have the maturity level or ability to hold that kind of space and this is obviously why Raj is so highly acclaimed! He just happens to be that mature and committed to women's healing.

When class wraps up Saturday you notice one of the women speaking with him and how naturally he places his hand on the small of her back and sweeps her hair from her face. Something just feels...off. The vibe you're getting is more like, that English teacher in ninth grade who everyone knew slept with students. Not long after you wipe the suspcious look from your face, he approaches you and does the same. Placing his hand gently on your back and turning his body to yours so he's standing just slightly closer than normal. His energy feels like overpowering cologne. The kind that makes you hold your breath and change your clothes when you get home. Although he's barely touching you and talks softly, it feels intrusive.

"Please let me know if I can help you in any way, that is what I'm here for, " he says, "it can be hard to access a place of safety in a group setting so I do offer my services privately. I am here for you. I want you to feel as safe as possible, so just let me know how I can best support you ok?"

You shake your head and push a smile, "Mmhm no I'm good! Thank you!"

He tilts his head down with a look as if to say, "Are you really sure about that? I sense you may not be so sure about that answer..." He stares at you for an uncomfortable amount of time.

"Alright well, anytime, " he says, sounding slightly pouty, "I see your divine goddess, and I honor the power of your womb. I am here to be of service to you." Giving you a bow and a namaste, he returns to speak with the other women as they pack up their mats.

"You honor my womb?" you laugh to yourself. "Alright this is just...I mean am I just that cynical that I can't handle this kinda lingo? Is this dude for real?"

Oh...he's real alright. He's meeting three of your classmates for wine later this evening at a bistro near your apartment where you just happen to see them as you meet up with friends. You walk in to see him seated at a corner booth with women on either side of him. He smiles and raises a glass and your classmates sitting around him smile and wave for you to come say hello. You have a little small talk and then let them know you've got friends waiting for you across the restaurant, but you'll see em in class tomorrow! You leave them to bask in Raj's glow and wonder if you still want to attend tomorrows class...

Sunday morning as the final day begins, you’re havin' some weird feelings about what is truly going on with this guy. You've gotten some great things out of the workshop, don't get me wrong, you've really pushed yourself past some uncomfortable spaces and you're proud of that, but as you watch one of the women blushing and slapping his arm as she talks with him, something in you is shouting, "Hello! You're not dumb! You know what's going on here!"

As the day wraps up and Raj closes the class reminding you all that this has only been a sample of his work, one of the women rushes over and suggests you try the private sessions. She describes what goes on during these one on one sessions and you're trying not to let your face show what your mind is yelling. She is describing a spiritual energetic exchange Raj has been running through with her privately for months now, and although it is absolutely positively a physical and extremely sexual act...not once does the actual word sex leave this woman's mouth.

"He's helping me access my power and remove blocks from my pleasure centers, " she says, " I've not been able to really have great sex with my husband. I mean sex gets old after bein' married for fifteen years ya know!? So anyways, he's really helping me access these zones and move through my blocks! He's working wonders!"

"So what does your husband say? Are things going better with him now, has he noticed a difference?"

"Oh God no! He doesn't know I'm doing this! Haha! Are you crazy he'd flip!" she laughs a little too loud, "He just... he wouldn't get it. He's old fashioned. He wouldn't understand what Raj does, he'd think we were having sex. I mean you know how most men are. But Raj isn't like that, it's not that at all! We're accessing the energy centers together ya know?  I'm doing this for my husband! He gets to reap the benefits! Gotta keep your man happy!" she winks and laughs again but her eyes drop for a second, just long enough for you to see she may not be so sure and comfortable with what's happening herself...

Raj is skilled at what he does. He doesn’t have to talk anyone into intimacy outside of a relationship because his students believe it’s part of their enlightenment and relinquishment of the ego to drop their boundaries and invite him in. He can do no wrong because if someone feels uncomfortable at any time, he can quickly spin it around and shame them for holding onto their old stories and beliefs. For separating from the one universal love we are all meant to share… He reminds you, that it is in fact you causing people pain by pushing them away and locking them out! But, if you’re ready to do the work, as everyone else around you is (so he says)…he’s willing to help you move past these ego blocks so you can have the life you deserve.

Uh huh...

So what you may have felt all along but didn't know for sure about Raj was this-

Raj, whose real name is actually Mike, found his calling by way of an old ex-girlfriend. She was a yoga instructor and had begged him to come to one of her classes for months. After one class of nothing but women twisting themselves into pretzels and praising his bravery for attending a mostly female setting? He was hooked.

A few weekend workshops, a shaman certification and a photoshoot at Machu Pichu, and it was bye bye Mike and hello Raj. No longer would he be the guy sitting at the same bars every weekend looking for girls. No no! Now he'd have women literally paying to spend time with him! Hanging on his every word and even quoting his instructions to their friends at brunch as if he was their personal savior. He'd already learned to manipulate to form connection, but now he's got it down to a spiritual science. He knows very well when a woman hears a man admit he’s wrong, especially when he throws in some groveling,head bowing and mountains of praise to the women's rising? He now has their full attention knowing they’re gonna be so busy nodding yes to everything he's saying that he can start slipping in praiseworthy things about himself while they’re already in a state of agreement and compliance.

The sneakiest con artists are the ones who give orders and invade your privacy but thank you for your generosity. They'll tell you how humbled and honored they are that you shared your sacred space with them while they disrespected your free-will and voice completely.

Long before his ex-girlfriend got him to attend her classes, Mike had already formed a firm view on himself and other people in the world. Women in particular. His parents split when he was only two and his mother named him the little man of the house from that point on. Reminding him more and more as he grew older that she didn't know what she'd do without him. Of course, he grew up with discipline and structure like most any other child, but he was also given quite a lot of control over his own domain. By the time he was in his early teens, his mother was confiding in him about her boyfriends, all the while praising Mike for being the perfect boy, the perfect man, the ideal find for any woman lucky enough to be with him.

When he wasn't playing the head of the household for his mom, he was spending weekends with his dad. His dad was the kinda guy who loved to point at women on the sidewalk as they drove downtown, grading their physical appearance and dress as if these women were in desperate need of his critiquing. He'd discuss his latest dates, comparing them with the women he pointed out, educating Mike on the perfect ratio for breasts and hips combined with the least amount of talking. This is how the two of them formed a strong bond. How Mike learned to be strong in himself and his own masculinity. He was fascinated, obsessively drawn to women, but simultaneously disgusted and disappointed at their failed attempts at perfection. Between his mother relying on him for partnership and guidance, and his father dehumanizing females completely as if they have have a few good years before it's time to trade 'em in for a younger model, Mike became a dangerous combination. He both idolized women and abhorred them. Now he could lavish them with praise and build them up then quickly revoke it and have them hanging on his every word.

We'll revisit Raj in Module 3.