Chapter 2- Read the room honey...
“If there is anyone who would like to speak with us please come forward!”
The topic of boundaries can be a little fuzzy.
Sure we hear the term boundaries and the advice to put them in place all the time but lets be honest— like many psychology terms used in casual conversation today, what are we even saying exactly?
Do we even know not only what it means but how to actually do the thing?
In the last couple years I’ve realized uhhhhh no actually, most people don’t.
It just sounds good so we keep repeating it until we’ve said it for so long we’re afraid to ask what it actually entails.
Most of us hear the term boundaries and imagine a line being drawn. Surrounding ourselves in a protective circle of salt.
And this ain’t wrong!
But it’s also not the full story.
And especially when we’re still learning to perceive the outline and shape of our own identity? It can be really hard to know where to draw those lines.
How do we know a border’s been crossed if we don’t know where our own borders lie?
Lemme really lay it out here— We live in a neighborhood of townhomes and frankly….I don’t even know where the exact property line of our backyard is so if someone asked me today to make sure no one crosses that property line?
Uhhh I mean could guess… But I can’t promise multiple people won’t violate that boundary repeatedly before someone walks far enough into our yard that I say, “Ok noooow I think I’m pretty sure you’re crossing my property line.”
I sure as hell wouldn’t sound very confident about it and the damage to that freshly laid Bermuda grass would likely be done.
And that’s a physical permanent plot of land… You see what I’m sayin?
So let’s just put that in perspective and relieve some pressure off of everyone to be masters of instilling boundaries simply because the word has become so common.
Most of us couldn’t accurately mark our own property lines at this very moment, so for ourselves?
For our own health and integrity?
It takes a little presence and practice and patience.
It’s gonna take a minute to decipher.
The visual my spirit family gave me to understand better how boundaries work was by using the metaphor of an optometrist checking our vision by clicking through lenses and saying,
“How clear is that?”
*click*
“How about now?”
This is a much better explanation of boundaries and how to recognize where to place them and how to do it before we feel threatened or violated by others, and before our vision of ourselves becomes fuzzy, warped, and unclear.
It’s really about the distance we need between ourselves and others in order to maintain clear vision.
Clear vision of ourselves and clear vision of them.
That’s the sweet spot.
That’s where the boundary is placed.
That’s our personal prescription for sincerity and clarity.
Just as our physical and vision and prescriptions will change as we grow, so will the settings of our healthy boundaries and perceptions.
Now-
I want you to grab a pencil and paper.
Down the left side of the paper, list the name of every person you’re unsure how to move forward with or have been dreading a conversation with.
When you have this done, get yourself comfortable and lets do a little visual and energy work together!
Here’s the simplest way to look at the numbers you picked and where to go from here-
1-3: Love em from afar but let them be, and be on your way. The least amount of contact is likely to bring the most peace and clarity to you both.
4-6: Ok now we’re talkin. You’ve got some ability to communicate and understand each other more deeply although it’s important to recognize that this may shift drastically day to day and minute to minute. Don’t try to force it if things feel strained. Enjoy it when things click, but when they don’t, don’t sweat it and don’t take it personally. You’re helping each other stretch and break free from old fears and perceptions.
7-9: This is definitely one of your people. You feel safe enough with one another to have opposing opinions and still grow together and hold space for each other. Whatever mood you’re in is whatever mood you’re in with this person. They help you remove shame from sharing your true self.
10: Let’s be real, y’all don’t even have to speak to communicate anymore. You just look at each other and burst into laughter, nod in agreement, or call out of the blue to say, “Whats wrong?” You’re constantly saying, “I was just gonna say that!!” You see one another’s darkest corners and brightest light and bring them forward to be loved. You likely share dreams or intuitive nudges. It doesn’t mean there won’t ever be misunderstandings, but this is someone you can grow into the best parts of yourself with.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………
Throughout the next week, pay attention to how your interactions with others and your own self talk is shifting.
Things may feel lighter or less serious immediately. You may observe a spike in desperation to be understood before it drops away, or you may immediately receive calls or texts from someone you haven’t spoken with in years.
Sometimes relationships evolve and begin fresh, and sometimes they fall away without a word spoken.
Whatever happens for you is exactly right.
In doing this, you’re freeing everyone to trust in their own place, to feel safe to open up as they please and be as they are.
These numbers you chose are your personal boundary settings.
These numbers could change over time or they could stay exactly the same, but now you know where you are today and how to move forward without throwing a sheet over yourself to be seen, banging on walls to be heard, or having people make the sign of the cross when you try to get through to them.